antonia

Because everything is futility and striving after the wind... REALLY???

2010-03-25T03:54:00.000-07:00

Is that really true? Well, the Bible tells us so, doesn't it(Ecclesiastes 2:17)!?

I believe the answer is yes and no at the same time. I believe that Salomon is making a point with this statement, and in the context he is talking about, it surely is true: He is questioning life and its activities.

Why do I go to work every day?

Why do I eat, and then get hungry again?

Why do I clean, just to wait until the layers of dust have collected again?

Why do I help people to lead an independent lifestyle, when they are just going to deteriorate in their conditions?

Why do I meet with people, encouraging them, if there is no goal and no ultimate hope?

Why do I go out shopping, when all the food will be eaten up again soon anyway?

These might sound like silly questions at first, but I have experienced this frustration of having to do things over and over and over and over. And there seems to be no success, achievement, and finalisation at hand!

I have come across many other people feeling depressed and having anxious thoughts that consume their lives...and choosing to put a stop to that. Either by attempting to put a stop to their existance, or by numbing themselves in whatever way. Any solution of this kind, however, have (according to my exerience) the same, or a similar, cause:

These questions were asked, or some of a similar kind, and no solution was found. Therefore, people resist tackling everyday life issues and end up unkept, without motivation, or any drive to do anything anymore.

How understandable!!! And it also makes me believe that people who experience depression and anxiety around life are actually very intelligent! Many people live their daily lives without ever attempting to ask these questions and seeking any answers to what LIFE IS ALL ABOUT!

Well, here is the answer that Salomon gives in the end of his book:

"The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: Fear God and keep His commandments, becuase this applies to every person." Ecc 12:13

I believe wisdom and intelligence to question life is a gift, but can also be a very difficult thing to deal with if you find no answers. It can lead to dispair and hopelessness, which is such fundamental existential pain that noone can imangine, unless experienced for themselves.

Well, so what is the solution? What is the answer?

Well, I believe that the Bible is true, and I believe that this life is just a shadow of what is to come. I believe that we are made to honour God, and if we do not have this purpose in our lives, then we have the questions, but lack the answers.

I believe that God cares about every single one of us, and knows every single one of us in such detail that we will never comprehend. He has got us in His hand, and we are safe and secure as we put our trust in Jesus Christ. He is the Alpha and the Omega. And He has intended many aspects of our lives to be futile, so that we will never stop hungering and thirsting for His intervention, for His righteousness, and ultimately, for being with Him for all eternity.

May the Lord bless you with this reading, and encourage you to press on to get to know HIM.

Many blessings,
Antonia.

Transformation

2010-01-12T03:34:00.000-08:00

This is exactly how I feel sometimes. Stagnant, cluttered, filled with things that dont belong to me, filled with things that keep me from what I should be like, and what I want to be like. I feel filled with things, that keep me too full to actually embrace God s new gifts, God s real gifts, opposed to the things that I have collected over time, and thought I need them to be happy, and to be self-fulfilled, and happy: A great pond. But sadly, it has not worked.

The things I cluttered it with have made the pond dirty, brown and stagnant. Many of them have not helped the pond to become more beautiful. They were weird, awkward objects that I chucked in, thinking I need them, and I want them there. But that was not always God s perfect plan for me. And I am not necessarily talling of huge life decisions, but it might have been as small as "Should I buy this shirt?" or "Should I go there?" or "No, I wont help out right now" or "I dont care right now" or "Poor me!".

However, the things of God are the different. They are small, but have such potential! Potential that is not ncessesarily seen at first. Like a little seed that just looks tiny and insignificant. But what potential it has!!! If it is treated as it should, and if it is handled in the right conditions, then it will grow into something BEAUTIFUL. And it would make the pond, MYSELF, more beautiful on the inside. It could be a seed of a coral. Such a little seed, and it becomes something SO beautiful. And something that grows SO slowely, but also reproduces itself and, therefore, makes the whole area under water more and more beautiful. Also, it helps with the ecology of the water. It cleanses it, and is food for other animals, so it has many different ways to benefit the life under the water.

I know that the analogy falls in terms of corals only growing in the ocean, but I still believe this is a powerful picture God gave me this morning. And in light of God s work: He gives me those seeds, and offers to plant many in my life. Seeds that will be beautiful, seeds that will benefit me and others around me, seeds that will grow, and become increasingly evident and effective. But if I refues, thinking that I have something so much better for myself, and only trusting my eyes that dont see the potential that is internal to that little seed, then I will end up as a gross brown stagnant place, that will have no room to bear fruit and be very unpleasant. And even the sun, that is so vital for the under-water ecology will have no effect anymore, as it is too horrible in the pond....so even the SON who is so vital for my life will have no effect in my life anymore, as I simply avoid any opportunity for Him to work in me and through me.

Well, thanks be to God who is so patient. Thanks be to HIM who is a God of second chances. May He continue to clear our my pond and make me more beautiful again on the inside. May He continue to tell me that IT IS NEVER TOO LATE. That He is always there, and willing to help me back up, and willing to continue to put those effective seeds in my life.

May my life choices, particularly at the moment with my Master s, but also what to shopf for, who to talk to, what to do during my day, how to love Jeff, how to love my family, how to love my friends, how to care for others, what to eat and what to drink,...may it all be focused on that: Is it a seed that will work to make me more beautiful, to accomplish God s work in and through me, and ultimately bring HIM ALL THE GLORY???? If it is...bring it on, and may I be willing to do and not do whatever it takes for those seeds to take root and grow into something beautiful.

Isaiah 58:11
11And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.

AMEN.

Holiday Thoughts

2010-01-06T08:25:00.000-08:00

I have had an amazing time this Christmas and New Year's. It was great to be with my wonderful man Jeff and also spend the second half of the holidays with my wonderful family.

I have missed them. I have wondered many times what it would be like to just be there again. To just be small again, and know nothing besides being with them. It is a temptation for me. It is a temptation to look back and think that old times were so much better...and I only do because that hurt of missing my family does not seem there. And that insecurity about what is happening next.

As adults, we seem to have to know all things... at least we seem to have to pretend we do. Hm, but what if I dont? What then? Nothing! Nothing would change that fact, except that I would not feel like I am faking it. I dont know many things, and least of all what the future holds.

There are big decisions coming up again. Master's degree or not? What about my job that I have come to enjoy? What about my counselling training?

I am reading a book about the Amish community, and it is so wonderful how they live in such simple and community orientated ways. I am not saying that I agree with all that they do and believe, but I admire their simplicity, and their choice to keep away from some comforts.

"Let your eyes look direclty ahead, and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you,
Watch the path of your feet and all your ways will be established.
Do not turn to the right nor to the left;
Turn your foot from evil" Proverbs 4: 25-27

I think this will be my verse this year 2010. I want to look ahead of me, fixing my eyes there. I want to watch the path in front of me, and not be focussed on the right and left. Does it seem tempting to look around and compare? Yes, it does. It is tempting to look around to comfort that curiousity, and that desire to not miss out. It is tempting to comfort myself! BUT it does distract. Am I on the path God wants me to be on? Then there is no need to doubt, and wonder. If I am not on that path...well then I need to go that one that He does want me to be on, and all rules apply there as well.

He is so good! And He knows what is ahead and behind, and next to me, and He knows all the single thoughts of my heart. And He is there to care and to hold and to be proud of me.

I am His girl.

Let s focus on that road ahead withough distractions.
Let s focus on the things above!

Antonia.

2009-11-21T03:52:00.000-08:00

Yaweh Lyrics (U2)

Take these shoes

Click clacking down some dead end street

Take these shoes

And make them fit

Take this shirt

And make it clean, clean

Take this soul

Stranded in some skin and bones

Take this soul

And make it sing

Yaweh, Yaweh

Always pain before a child is born

Yaweh, Yaweh

Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands

Teach them what to carrty

Take there hands

Don't make a first no

Take this mouth

So quick to criticise

Take this mouth

Give it a kiss

Yaweh, Yaweh

Always pain before a child is born

Yaweh, Yaweh

Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up

The sun is coming up on the ocean

This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yaweh, Yaweh

Alwasys pain before a child

Yaweh, tell me now

Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city

A city shouldbe shining on a hill

Take this city

It is be your will

What no man can own, no man can take

Take this heart
Take this heart

Take this heart

And let it break

WHAT A SONG???

It actually caused me many different thoughts and impressions. In one sense, it felt so depressing about that pain, that lostness, that hopelessness with all those questions (Why the dark...).

But at the same time, I find it expresses so much hope as well. It shows that Yaweh is the one that can make "this soul sing", that can stop this critizism from my mouth, that can take care of a whole city at once, and finally, the One that can take my very own heart and be trusted to break it in order to build it up for something better and more in His likeness!

So there are two very distinct differences here between hopelessness, and this trust in a God who cares, and actually CAN care. Also, it left me with quite deep impressions of this child being born, causing pain the first instance, but of course, once that pain is over, something incredible has occurred: A NEW LIFE!

These are the thoughts that have run through my mind and heart lately. There have been quite a few weeks of difficulty for me, that have finally past now. And from all the pain that I felt inside, something more beautiful has now emerged. Something i could not have imagined. I feel so much better now! I feel I have learned so much about my counselling practice, and my strengths and weaknesses in it. I did not compromise my ethics, which was actually a temptation. I have learned from the difficulties I went through, and although I would have expected a little more from some of the other people involved, I still could handle it and deal with it.

I feel it was a trial. A trial to shape me and make me into something more beautful on the inside. And I am proud of this new beauty within me. Not that I did it...no no no! But God did it in me. I would have not chosen it by myself. I would have shyed away from from it, considering the pain and fears involved. But I was not the one in control, or the one choosing. So all I could do was let it happen, and look to my Light and my Salvation, the Defence of my life:)

May HE be the One blessing you righly as well these days!

Love, Antonia.

No more waiting.

2009-07-14T03:07:00.000-07:00

How many times have we heard "Oh, life is too short to..." Hm. For the first time, I can relate to this saying, if it indeed ends with one of my most hated (but most frequent) daily activities: "Life is too short to worry!"

I went to see "My sister's keeper" last night, and it was such an awesome film. This film has not left my mind, and it has reminded me of how fragile life is and can be. I know that it is just a film, etc etc...but I also know that there are multiple people diagnosed daily with some horrible diseases like cancer. Some of them are old people, and it can be justified in my mind that they are older...therefore ill-health seems more expected and, therefore, acceptable at first sight. Some of them are young, and the illness raises unavoidable questions like "WHY?" At the end of the day....if young or old... WHY is a good question! Things like that only happen to "others", they dont happen to people around me. They are things I hear about here and there, but it is not in my immediate surrounding.

What if an illness invades the life of someone close to my heart?

W-H-A-T I-F...???

This is the worst kind of question!!! There will be no answer, but a spiral of worry and more worry is started. It will spin and spin, and take the thinker down further and further.

BUT:

There are two ways to deal with all of this: There is the option to look down in the mud, or the other option to look up in the stars. Hard times will not be avoided, but there is hope!!! Hope in our LORD. If He did not exist, it would all be pointless. It would all be worthless and void. But he is the One that counts, and ONLY counts.

I can therefore be calm. If I will be ill, and my life goes a different way than I planned it...well...that does not hinder His plans. Maybe my plans were just not His then...but His were entirely different from mine. It is not as if something has taken Him by surprise, and He has not expected it.

Does He not say My thoughts are not your thoughts, and my plans are not your plans. For my thoughts are higher than yours and my plans are higher than yours.

He knows what He is doing and we can trust Him!

He is NOT TAKEN BY SURPRISE but has carefully thought out plans for each of us. Does it mean there will be no suffering? Does it mean there will be no pain? Unfortunately not! And I want to honor hugely all the people who have gone through any kind of illness, or been in close support to someone! I cannot even come close to imagine the difficulties. But I do also know that each of us is in the hand of the Lord. And I know that we can choose to rest in that.

Stuck!!!

2008-12-21T14:49:00.000-08:00

Hm, we are still here Plymouth. I am not sure how exciting I find that, as I would have just loved to go home to see my family and enjoy the wonderful festive atmosphere at home. But no, instead of holding on to a nice cup of mulled wine on our little wonderful Chrismas market in the middle of my hometown, I am sat on the couch with my laptop. Not too great of a replacement, but I have to make the best of it all, really! I am finding it tough to do this whole "grown-up" thing and invent our own Christmas traditions, as I would have much rather just enjoyed my parents'. However, guess God thought it was about time. So here we are: We decorated our house, and I am trying to just not care about seeing my family so much.

2008-11-03T14:01:00.000-08:00

Juhu...about time to write again.
A lot of things have changed over the last months. I guess the most important and drastic change is that Jeff and I finally got married this summer. It has been so very good, and worth all the difficulties that this change brought along. He is great and I am glad that God blessed me with a man like him.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, Trust also in Him and He will do it." Ps 37
This is our wedding verse and I have found to be true time after time. Who could have thought that this would be my life?! I always saw myself as living in Germany, and going the "normal" route, of a "normal" life. Hm....not as I delighted myself in the Lord. He changed everything. This is still scary at times, as it makes me realize that I don't know what the future will bring. But I really have to be honest...I could not have dreamed up a better life. He has blessed me and Jeff richly. This certainly did not mean that He has been kept us from heartache, from difficulty or from trials. Nope...He has not. But this also means that He has been with us and blessed us with getting to know Him, renewing our view of Him time after time. This means He has never let us go, and that He has never given up on us.
And to show you some visuals of His blessings: Here are some pictures of our flat. It is wonderful, light, cozy and simply our little home:).

Yeah, we'll make it!!!

2008-07-10T13:01:00.000-07:00

Huh...this has been long, and where am I at?!?! In some ways still learning the same things over and over, but each time, I am a tiny bit closer to the end: BEING LIKE JESUS.
Oh what hard work it is, and how difficult things are...but how worth it it is!!!
Guys, we'll see Jesus in the end!!!
Wow, I want to be there. I want to fall at His feet and finally be able to see Him fully and understand Him fully.

So yes, one day...and for now, I am still on the road.

Love to all you faithful warriors out there!
Antonia.

Es weihnachten in a student manner.

2007-12-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

Well, one may think that being a student, you miss out on the whole Christmas spirit, as you just stay in a student house...well, and I do, but...you just need to be inventive!!!

Yes, you need one advent wreath...and light one candle at a time...and make sure you are not burning down the house while doing so;).

And one tree, or whatever you have to use...

Or you have to use whatever is available...but dont worry, these were not drunk all at ones (and surely not by me!!!!). But thought it was a fun invention by my housemates ;).
MERRY ADVENT TIME!!!

a while later.

2007-11-30T10:41:00.000-08:00

Well, I am still fighting and I am still being defeated, seemingly way too often and way more than having the victory that Christ could give me. My biggest flaw is my fear to trust. However, I dont want to mourn about my weaknesses but boast in Christ's sufficiency.

And I know that HE IS SUFFICIENT, I just dont always know how to believe it. The prayer "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief" has often cicled around my head recently.

What if I could just fully believe? What if I could just fully know? What if all that I am and all that I do was aimed at getting to know Him better and waiting for His kingdom? Have you ever thought about how this would change your daily routines and your daily life?

WOW, what a thought!

But then He is so good. In all my failure, in my sin and in my faithlessness. ..He is there. Why??? I dont know. But He is and He will not give up.

Antonia.

Christ in me the hope of glory!!!

2007-08-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

"...having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation."

1 Thess 5:8

All right. I have not written in a while. The reason I wanted to have this blog is that I could share what I have been learning and even more so, to share encouragement.

However, for a long long time, I have not felt like there is anything that I could share. All I was thinking about was how I am not enough, where I fail, where I am not how I want myself to be and where I dont live up to others' expectations.

Not that all that is over, but I have been confronted by God with the state of my faith. There is not much trust of faith in God's goodness, His faithfulness and ultimately His care and love. I have not put on that breastplate to protect my heart, to make my very life resistant to death (death in little steps). So I found myself doubting everything, doubting my relationships, being impatient and rude, and feeling really dark and sad most of the time. ...which is just the result of not putting on that helmet of hope that Paul talks about. A lot of hoplessness alongside darkness and sadness starts to spread in the heart so quickly.

However, my God doesnt let go of me.

He restores my soul. He calls me from the darkest places and holds my hand and watches over me (Isaiah 42, 6). He cares for me (Josuah 1, 9). And He loves me and is not mad at me (1 Thess 5, 9).

These are truths that I need to hold onto. And also what I need to share and keep sharing. Because along with all that doubt, there comes a huge feeling of unworthyness of the word of Christ, of the presence of Christ and sharing His life.

So, here I am facing those feelings, and I am happy that God has given me back some courage and joy :).

And here are actually some pics of the past few weeks:

Me in Switzerland.

A very good looking man in Zurich.

In Siena.

hm...quite obvious...but I genuinely feel sorry for that poor crooked tower...so thought I would hug it to make it feel better. Worked!!!

My wonderful mum and me on the high tower on the main square in Siena.

Antonia.

Some nice days

2007-06-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

Oh, I still like palmtrees:).

After having finally finished my exams, my friend Imke from Germany came to visit. It has been so wonderful to catch up with her, as I had not seen her in ages.

God has truely blessed me by having her here, and also, she has been really interested in Jesus, which is probably one of the most wonderful aspects of all. So please pray for Jesus to come and reveal Himself and soften our hearts to strive to know Him more and understand more of who He is.

Also, we went for a little trip down to Devon, Plymouth and Cornwall, Penzance. It is so beautiful down there. The rolling green hills, sheep and brick houses. The typical English country, I always thought of.

Well, why dont I just let you see some pictures:

Imke and I

This is Plymouth

St Michaels Mount near Penzance

This is Plymouth again.

So, and now I will go to bed, as it has been a long day.

Keep pressing on in knowing our Saviour, no matter how hard it is...I have been trying to learn more of that lately, and it has by no means been easy. But I know that it is the only thing that matters, and I am on my way to learn this headknowledge through practical experiences.

May God bless you.

Antonia.

THANKS...

2007-05-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

to all of you who have been praying for me.

I am half way there and for this next exam, I have already studied a couple of weeks ago. So the worst seems to be over.

Oh, God has truely answered prayers. He has not allowed all of this to be easy on me, but He has surely never left me. He has been there, kindly holing my hand, when I freaked out in unbelief and wanted to give up and run away from it all.

God is so faithul. I was just sitting on my floor for half an hour and was wondering what I could do and bring Him to honour Him.

I came to the conclusion that there is not much... but give Him all the praise and remember His faithfulness, so that next time (and even over this coming week, with quite stress and pressure-levels) I will hopefully know more that HE IS THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE!!!

Thanks friends for praying.

LIFE is not always easy, but always good.

And now I will go and finish my Tiramisu that I have stared making and my friend is coming to have a nice evening with pizza and movies:).
Antonia.

Exams...

2007-05-08T11:13:00.001-07:00

Hi all.

Would you please pray for me? I am about to go into exams and it seems like a very big deal at the moment to me. In other words, I get scared really easily.

Would you mind praying for me? That I would have a calm heart and mind. That I would have the right ideas on my mind. That I would not fear but know that MY GOD IS BIGGER, AND HE KNOWS....yes...would you pray that that would sink into my heart and that at the end of these 3 weeks I would come out stronger, knowing our Saviour more!!!

My exams are on

Friday, 11th of May at 1:30 PM (English time---its 8 hours to BC!!!) in "Social Psychology"

Saturday, 19th of May at 9:00 AM in "Persons in Relation"

Wednesday, 23rd of May at 1:30 PM in "Cognitive Psychology"

Thursday, 24th of May, coursework due in about "Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties"

I would really appreciate if you could ask our God to let me know that He is with me and that He cares about me and about the preparation for all of it as well.

Thank you friends.
In His strength, Antonia.

Exams...

2007-05-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

Hi all.

Would you please pray for me? I am about to go into exams and it seems like a very big deal at the moment to me. In other words, I get scared really easily.

Would you mind praying for me? That I would have a calm heart and mind. That I would have the right ideas on my mind. That I would not fear but know that MY GOD IS BIGGER, AND HE KNOWS....yes...would you pray that that would sink into my heart and that at the end of these 3 weeks I would come out stronger, knowing our Saviour more!!!

My exams are on

Friday, 11th of May at 1:30 PM (English time---its 8 hours to BC!!!) in "Social Psychology"
Saturday, 19th of May at 9:00 AM in "Persons in Relation"
Wednesday, 23rd of May at 1:30 PM in "Cognitive Psychology"
Thursday, 24th of May, coursework due in about "Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties"

I would really appreciate if you could ask our God to let me know that He is with me and that He cares about me and about the preparation for all of it as well.

Thank you friends.
In His strength, Antonia.

Let's not give up!

2007-04-30T03:08:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks, it seemed like there were a lot of reasons to grumble, become panicy and unhappy: I came back here to Bristol, which caused me to be fairly homesick, and miss my parents and siblings. Also, exam period is coming up, where more and more pressure is accumulating, where the question of "Why am I doing this" undeniably creeps up on me time after time. Self-doubt and low self-confidence have also counted to my enemies, as well as self-pity and grumbling.

Yet, the desire to become more and more a women of God has gripped me even more and the desire to become a women like in Proverbs 31 (to which most of us women would look in awe, and either choose to shrink away in shame, or be inspired of who we ought to be, and press on). One thing that really got a hold of me was "And she smiles at the future" (Proverbs 31:25).

Hm, I know that this is a tough one, but let me share something else with you: I was reading about the grumbling Isrealites, in Number 14.

It all started with them getting " a bad report of the land which they had spied out" (Numbers 13:32). ---There were two problems with this: First of all, it is a lie!!! They were actually viewing a land that was good (14:7), and then it was never about them conquering it, but it was about God giving it to them (14:8).
=> So the first problem was that this report was lie.

The second problem is that the rest of the Isrealites believed this lie: "Why is the Lord bringing us into the land, to fall by the sword" (14:4). So instead of saying to the spies who gave the wrong report: "Stop this. We know our God" (as Caleb did do by the way in verse 8), they started to whine and believe this lie.
=> So the second problem was that they believed the lie.

So I want to challenge us today: Do we give wrong reports to none-believers as well as our fellow-Christians...do we limit God by what we think of Him and what He can do? Do we shrink away in fear and trembling, doubting God and encouraging the quesiton "Why is life so hard?"???

Or do we believe the bad reports of others and start whining, in self-pity and despair???

Oh, I know, my sweet friends, that it is not always easy. Things are really difficult... but why don't we take the step and see the problem in relation to how majestic and good and great and souvereign our God is? Why don't we run to our God and find comfort with Him? This may not make the problem and hurt and fear and despair go away, but it will make it bearable, if we take ahold of the promise that God has a plan for us, "for welfare and not for calamity to give a furture and a hope" (Jeremiah, 29:11).

What if we believed this today? How would that change the way we approach our fears, our despaires, our hurts, our problems? And if God has just spoken to you through this, if you have just been conviced of trying to solve your problems, dealing with your hurt and fears by yourself, then pray. No matter what you are about to do: STOP AND PRAY. Respond to His invitation of love and comfort.

My dear friends, and especially Alissa, Erin, Lorri, Andrew, and Jeff, know that you are in my prayers for strength and for you to take ahold of God's comfort and love, to be able to say:

"WE SHOULD BY ALL MEANS GO UP AND TAKE POSSESSION OF IT, FOR WE WILL SURELY OVERCOME IT." (Numbers 13:30)

Your sister Antonia.

Thinking a lot.

2007-04-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

Hm. One thought that has been going through my head quite often is how we know and understand who we are. Well, the right answer is that we define and understand ourselves through Jesus, our Saviour, yet, I am wondering often how we see and learn to see ourselves through other people.

I mean to what degree do we allow others to shape us? To what degree is the life that we life determined by other people? To what degree are we helpless if there are no other people to tell us what to do and who to be?

I have been home for almost three weeks now, and in some ways that is always a culture shock. I have made up my own little life, with its patterns and established ways of doing things, and then I come back here and see how it differs from the way I used to live and do things. However, then I think about my friendship with Jeff, or friends that I have from uni, my housemates. And in some ways it seems weird that I am the same person here, as I am there. It is almost like living in such different worlds from one day to another.

I was seeing an old friend of mine tonight. A girl that was my best friend for years and years, but ever since I went to Canada to Bible School, it seems like our friendship just broke and split. Every time I see her, I am just amazed how we have become such different people with such different understandings and goals in life, where we used to be mistaken for twins, being always together, thinking the same things, talking the same way, behaving the same way...

To be honest, I am not even sure how much of a spiritual issue this is, or maybe just a normal way of life that things and people change...and that each of us just walks a different road.

So I guess I have been thinking about who I am influenced by and to what degree. It feels so right and good to be influenced by certain people and almost letting it become part of the way we are...until we realize that it has become that way when we are separated for a while and step away from it. Yet, we might have to be more careful who we are influenced by and who that makes us become.

Yet, I still find myself seeking out that security of people that I know and that I am known by...oh if my heart just knew that understood that all these securities and desires are fully met in Christ.

...one day...

Potter's Hand.

2007-03-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Lord, Wonderful savior
I know for sure all of my days are held in your hands
Crafted into your perfect plans

You gently called me into your presence
Guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life
Through your eyes

I'm captured by your holy calling
Set me apart. I know you're drawing me to yourself
lead me, Lord. I pray

Oh Take me, mold me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the potter's hand
Oh Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the potter's hand
You gently call me into your presence
Guiding me by your holy spirit
Teach me dear lord to live all of my life through your eyes

I'm captured by your holy calling
Set me apart. I know you're drawing me to yourself
lead me, Lord. I pray

Oh Take me, mold me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the potter's hand
Oh Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the potter's hand

I really enjoy this song...such wonderful words, yet so far off to describe what our God is like. If you wish to actually listen to the tune, check it out here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akaLA1P7knA. However, it seems to express what I long for so often and so much...and yet, have still not begun to grasp.

But by His grace, I will continue to press on and learn to love Him more and be molded step by step.

:).

Last but not least!

2007-03-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

As you can see ...Jeff and I FINALLY made it to London. We caught a bus yesterday at 7 in the morning and got there about 2 hours later and had the whole day just to walk around and explore the city. It was such a wonderful, walking in the sunshine and enjoying the sights. It it such a great city, as far as we have seen!

Here is the Big Ben and the London Eye in the background. This is really close to the place where the Prime Minister Blair lives...haha, how exciting.

The Buckingham Palace... and we did see the guards, and made fun of them, as they were marching back and forth. Haha...am sure that the people standing around thought we were a bit weird :).

Here, the greatest of all men, my wonderful boyfriend Jeff, in front of the Buckingham Palace.

Me, having a fun time pushing over Big Ben...or so :D.

And me in front of the London Eye. Unfortunately, we did not actually go on it becuase it takes about 30 minutes to go around once, so that would have taken too long, considering all the other things that we wanted to visit.

So ya, God just gave us a fantastic time in London and it almost felt like a little holiday, which I seemed to really need, as the past weeks have just been mad and busy and it has been hard to find some time to actually rest. So this was great, as our wonderful God and Lord gave it to us as a little gift :).

Antonia.

Still fighting.

2007-02-06T14:44:00.000-08:00

God has really shown me last week what it meant to just "be". He let me relax and rest. Now, things have changed again and I seem to have gone back to being more than "being". I have picked up some burdens again of worry and too much thinking apart from Christ.

One picture that came to my mind was a photo that Jeff took on the way back from the LTS trip in Tofino in the second year of Bible School.

It just seemed so clearly to portray just "to be":

For some reason it seems to peaceful to see this man being engaged with his play, not even wanting to notice what is going on around Him. That is how I want to be with Jesus. Just BE with Him and enjoy His character, His care and His work.

I know there is hope becuase He is holding me. He is holding US. Friends, press on. Know you are held by Him like a Father holds His child. In love and deep deep care.
Antonia :).

Being is good.

2007-02-02T13:08:00.000-08:00

I have had the most relaxing day...since...I don't even remember. I finished a big essay this morning and printed it off, so that I can hand it in on Monday and not think about it anymore. Then I watched "How to loose a guy in 10 days" (great film...for girls :) in the middle of the day and enjoyed my second cup of coffee. Then I went for a walk with my housemate Aishah and finished another Diary Entry for Social Psychology, that I had put off for a week and a half. Then, dinner was already cooked for me by my lovely housemate. Although I had planned to study some more today, I got the two things done that seemed so big to me. And also I cannot really focus anymore. So I finished

And now, I am just sitting here and browse around the internet and write emails and listen to music.

It is great.
I AM FINALLY RELAXED. I can honestly not remember when I was so calm last time. It is great.

What a gift from God just TO BE.
Antonia.

BE --- no more and no less.

2007-01-29T13:10:00.000-08:00

This is a task that seems pretty simple but very complicated at the same time.

What does it mean to just be? It seems like a pretty loose instruction. But at the same time, it is very precises, as the "no more and no less" bit indicates.

It is a task that I am aiming to find out more about over this week. I want to know what it means to "be". I want to learn to hold a balance between being conscious, almost watching every step of the day like a bystander and on the other extreme to merely live in careless existance. Should be intesting.

And here are finally some Christmas pictures that I ´have promised some of you...especially my wonderful mum and dad.
Here you go:

The beautiful tree:

Jeff and me:

The three Jacobsons:

And me:

Jeff and me in the beautiful Buchard Gardens in Victoria:

What a great break with many special memories.
:)Antonia.

For two special people.

2007-01-17T09:49:00.000-08:00

This is especially for two great people: My friend Lorri and my friend Juli.

And keeping you two special people in mind, I want to share what God has been showing me lately:

I have been reading Isaiah and I used to find it so very difficult to get into it. It seems to go on and on about some kings and places that I don't know, with lots of horsemen and punishment. But just this weekend, as I visited my wonderful friend and boyfriend Jeff, he showed my how David must have known God...seen in Psalms 20, 22, 23 and 24 (by the way...read it and see how amazing that is...read it as if Jesus was praying to the Father...AMAZING). So anyway, that was the start of it all. Jeff told me how he had been growing to see Jesus more and more in every chapter of the Bible. That reminded me of my Isaiah reading...because all I ever saw there was fights and things I had no clue about.

But just this week, as I continued in Isaiah on my own, it has been so good. I wanted to see if that is true, that Jesus can be seen in every bit of the Bible, and it really is. I was blown away. Every chapter refers to when Jesus is coming and how it will be and what He will do.

In chapter 32, where it talks about a king will reign justly and how the wicked will not prosper anymore and how the ones that have ears to hear and eyes to see will be sheltered and saved. How then, the work of rightousness will be peace (vs 17) and the service of righousness will be quietness and confidence. People will live in peacful habitation in secure dwellings and undisturbed. These are all the things that we aim at right now, and these are all the things that will be fulfilled, as Jesus comes back.
And you might think that "the king" in verse 1, ch 32 could be God, rather than Jesus, but referring back to Psalm 72:1, Salomon asks God to hand over the judgment to the King (Jesus) and God's rightousness to the King's son (us). So that also reveals that Jesus will make us rightous at some point. And then look at John 5:22 where it says: "For not even the Father judges anyone, but He has given all the judgment to the Son, so that all will honour the Son as they honour the Father." So God did hand over all the judgment to the King who made his children rightous.

I really have so much more to learn and am just starting to dicover more and more that Jesus was actually there right from the beginning. It
It is absolutly amazing. Jesus was right there in the old testament.

So bottom line (and I do hope that my thoughts are retracable...if not, then let me tell you this: READ YOUR BIBLE AND TASTE HOW GREAT JESUS IS.

Press on friends and especially to you two, Juli and Lorri, my dear friends, I want to say: God bless you and may you be able to discover Him more and more in and through His word.

Love, Antonia.

Hm....I cant think of a title...but read it yourself.

2006-12-07T15:09:00.000-08:00

I have just been to a cell group meeting and I would just like to share my excitement with you.
Things have been rather dull in a spiritual sense lately. I have been feeling bit alone, I guess, and somehow reading the Bible has not been all that uplifting. I just have not felt all that much excitement about it, although I knew, opening it, that it is God's word---but it was just words, without much application. So in a way I have been like the people that Paul talks about in 2 Tim 4 that want their ears to be tickled and dont want to hear the truth, but whatever is according to their desires.

Funny enough, all throughout this, I have felt God's presence very vividly. In some senses that has really surprised me. I think that is possibly based on the misconception that He is only there when I am happy and "a good girl", but when life goes a bit out of order and things dont run as smoothly, then He says goodbye, until I have become better.

Well, actually as I am writing this, I am just realizing that this might well be the reason why I have been feeling like this: That some things that are actually good, such as reading the Bible, have been feeling empty....so that I would experience that God is still there, although I am not doing the "Christian thing", as in enjoying and rejoicing as I can sometimes so easily by just thinking of who He is. I know that He will allow me to get back to be able to do so in due time, but yet, I can at the moment just enjoy who He is, without feeling like I owe Him something, so that I deserve His grace.

This is actually really freeing. Yesterday, at Christian Union here at uni, we were talking about freedom that we as Christians have. But I am not sure about this: Do we actually have freedom? Well, I guess it depends on what it is and how it is defined. So if we say that freedom is to have free choices without any inclination whatsoever....so we have NO BIAS to either side of the choice...and we just do what we want....if that is defined as freedom, then i dont think we have it and I dont think we have ever had it.

Because technically, it is impossible to make a decision without any inclination. It would mean we would never decide anything, because we dont want either side. But that is hardly ever the case...in fact that is probably never the case. Even when we dont particularly desire either outcome of a choice, we still might merely WANT to make a choice for getting it out of the way, or please somebody etc etc.
So even then, there is an inclination.

So following the flesh and the spirit, as it talks about in Romans 8, there is our hearts that desire sin, and there is our spirit that desires rightousness...so there is a bias to either side here....so which one do we focus on and therefore, which one excels?

What I want is for my spirit to excel....by Psalm 37: Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desries of your heart.
I want to desire godliness, peace, patience, kindness, love, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control...and when God puts it there, then I can desire it. When I dont delight myself in Him, so when I dont enjoy Him, then my flesh will win and therefore, I will make poor choices.

So to tie it back to what I was talking about in the beginning, that I have not been feeling all that excited about His word, maybe I am being refined so that I would learn to be freed of the satisfaction I get from the mere action of reading, but rather learning to delight myself, free from the obligation to do it, but rather embraced by the desire to LOVE HIM.

Wow. God is good.
I did not know all this before I started writing it out.
I hope it makes sense and is an encouragement to you, who are just reading it:).

Delight yourself in the LORD, free from obligation, rather bound by love to Him.
:)Antonia.

Sitting at His feet today?

2006-11-27T11:53:00.000-08:00

CHRISTMAS IS COMING UP!!!
I still find that somewhat incomprehensible. The weeks have just flown by and it is actually almost time to open the first little door... and this is a special to all my German friends:

Yes...THIS IS A 25th DOOR!!! YEY!!! It is my first advent calender that has 25 doors.
What an extra treat :).

Other than all the Christmas excitement, I wanted to share with you what God has been teaching me.
Hm, where could I start. There are so many things every day that are good and so many things every day where I realize that I am so much living apart from Him and where I have never even started considering Him.

This might sound a bit strange but I have a real problem to relax. There is so much work that needs to be done for uni and then there are many things that want to be done around the house and my job and then people to invest in etc. There is just always something to do and I have been challenged to learn to control my mind, especially with my uni-work. It is so easy for me to think about what I have to do all throughout the day, and then go to bed thinking some more about it...and wake up unrested giving it some more thought.

There is a little episode in the Bible that has been so helpful to me, becuase one of my biggest problems is usually to understand the right measure of doing things: Obviously, uni requires work and studying, but how much? When is it too little and when is it overboard?

See Luke 10:38-42.
It is sucha little passage, but I just really like it.
Jesus goes to Martha's and Mary's house and Martha does all the preparations around the house and Mary sits at His feet listening to Jesus.
This makes Martha quite upset and she says: Tell her (Mary) to help me!
But Jesus says: Martha, Martha youare worried and bothered about so many things but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

I usually find me in Martha's position, running around like crazy and being WORRIED about so many THINGS. Where what I really want is to sit at Jesus' feet and rest and listen to my wonderful Lord.

I have been struggling a lot with that lately. But when there was a day, when I was once again ready to give up, being in so much need of comfort and strength, and wondering what my studies are all about and my life here in England away from my family, God told me once again: The reason I am studying here is to get to know His sufficiency more and ultimatly to learn to trust in Him and noone else.

This is not easy, because my naturally instinct would make me work and "be Martha" rather than "be Mary". But I want to learn and I know that He will be faithful to what He said:
Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9.

So friends, "be Mary". Sit at His feet and choose the good part. The part that is necessary.

:) Antonia.

What I do

2006-11-12T12:40:00.000-08:00

Hey guys...look at that:

Isn`t that great?
That is what we have been talking about in Psychology. Been quite interesting.
Or this:

Or try this one...try to say the colours that you see:

Funny how we are created, hey?
God has thought it through so much!
Ya, that is the fun side of it all...but there is an essay that I have to write and I am finding it really really hard.
The essay title is:
"Discuss the notion that persons are constructed intersubjectively, that is between ourselves, through acts of relation, such as empathy."
If anyone has a clue. Any help is muchly appreciated.
I have read so much for the topic, but I have been finding it really hard to get to
grips with it. But I am learning to endure in HIS Strength in getting my work done. It is frustrating somtimes, but I am learning:).

If you could please pray for me for patience and against fear. I am often really scared about failure but God is allowing that in order to teach me to trust in Him and to endure. Thank you very much...and I will keep you posted about how God will show me how to write the essay on intersubjectivity....I am excited to see how He will guide me....

Keep pressing on friends...und einen lieben Gruß an meine Lieblingsjuli:). Ich vermiss Dich!!!

Love, Antonia:).

Relaxing in Bath

2006-10-29T10:18:00.000-08:00

Was just thinking that this headline would probably be a bit weird to all none-English people, but Bath is a city...so this should make more sense now.
I will put up some pictures of it becuase it was sooooooooooooooo nice there.

This is the downtown of Bath. For all of you who don't know: Here in Europe, all cities have a pedestrian area where the main shops are.

And we had fun there...

...and I DID tell him to stop drinking!!! Just kidding:).

So we had a really nice day together, just walking around and talk and enjoy the town.

And before we left, we had a Mc Flurry:)
Oh how excited for having them in Canada over Christmas...they are so much better there than they are here. McDonalds is really not all that impressive, but Mc Flurry is wonderful! Watch out...because you might get hooked:).

Antonia.

Flying?!?

2006-10-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

I want to share a poem, that came to my mind last year, during a time, where things just seemed to overwhelm me so much. I thought it would be an encouragement for some of you, so I decided to share it.
Also....should be quite easy to translate for all the ones whose first language is not English (...aber wir nennen ja keine Namen, gell Rese ---hahaha).

Hope you will enjoy and that our God will encourage your hearts through it to live for His glory.

"Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength.
They will mount up with wings like eagles
They will run and not get tired.
They will walk and not become weary" Isaiah 40:31

HIGH ABOVE

A calm, deep, loving voice says to a broken heart: COME!
Death, darkness, panic, rush, descontent, fear, fast, fast, fast.
COME! - again.
That is all.

Choosing to sit down on His wings:
What of He will drop me?
He won't even get me out of here?!
He can't even fly?!
He will take me into bigger troubles, I know it!!!
He will not do me any good!
Get out, fast, fast, fast!!!

The eagle rises up - slow…calm.
There, there is green! Far, but I can see it over there!
The sun: OH…how warm it pets my face, how bright and clear!
Warm air to touch!

He will fly curves too sharp to drop me! He will hate me!
Look what you have left behind: friends, family!
How aweful are you? How unloving?
He will rise up and kill you through the sun, He will disappear on you
And you will fall and fall and fall!
GET DOWN!
JUMP! It's not too late!
You can still leave!

I love you and I know you.
I have made you and I have chosen to die for you.
You are my witness and I have send you out to proclaim my name by sitting on my wings,
I have chosen you before I made the world…in fact, you were part of why I made the world.
I LOVE YOU
And I will never leave nor forsake you!…says the calm, deep voice.

He is a liar!
Do you not see?
He will kill you and never let you live!

BE QUIET! BE QUIET!

I am spending time with the Almighty: My Daddy!
Calmly He says:
BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM YOUR GOD!

Keep pressing on towards knowing more of Him!
Love, Antonia:).

Catching Up.

2006-10-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

Hello...yes, it is me...Antonia has gone under the bloggers to keep people updated who want to, as well as just for fun. Thanks to my wonderful boyfriend Jeff who helped me with setting it up, because computers are generally not quite my best friends.
So currently, I am still in Bristol, England and just started my second year of Psychology and Education. When I was younger (as in 16 or 17), I always thought studying most be the greatest time of your life. All this freedom to do whatever you want and such ...Hm...it is not that I dont like it, but it is quite scary sometimes to be all on your own and what people call "grown up", I guess :). But overall, I would say that it has been really good for me. I got to know Jesus in such an intimate way and that He is my only stronghold.

I just got back from Germany a couple of weeks ago, but summer seems like ages ago. It was really good to be at home with my family and I am hoping that my sister is coming over here to see me in a few weeks.

Just recently, I have really been missing Caperwray. I looked through the yearbook, and saw all the different faces of students...and I realized that there are so many people that I see at university every day that seem familiar, because they remind me of people from Bible School. Thought that was a bit funny, but it was actually quite nice. Makes such a big place a bit more comfortable.

So ya. Jeff is coming up tomorrow and we will hopefully spend some relaxing time together away from studies and work (oh ya, I work as a waitress by the way at a really nice place called All Bar One here in Bristol).

So this is a brief summary of what is happening and I will keep you updated.
:)Antonia:).